I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize