There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Operation Purity has been aborted
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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