why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
