Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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