somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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