Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
