I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Pants are for mortals
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