No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
