by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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