Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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