pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
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