Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
