I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
