Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
