Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
