Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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