This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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