bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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