I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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