Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
