please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
