So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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