I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
