Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize