It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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