I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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