If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
operation have a gay friend backfired
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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