awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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