I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
NoShamevember. You game?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
