he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
