the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
