awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
