so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
