I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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