If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
