i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
