stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
