i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
soo... how was my night?
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