i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
