You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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