now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
