I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
