They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
