I like my sex mixed with concussions.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
