someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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