Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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