"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
