You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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