I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
