So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Even my vagina gasped.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
