i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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