I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize