why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
