I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
