I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
