WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
