By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
